Relationships

“My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite.”
– Romeo and Juliet, Act II, Scene II

Monogamy is highly valued in western society. The monogamous union of marriage is traditionally considered to be the end-all-be-all of dating, with relationships acting as trial runs working up to the goal of finding a soulmate. Westerners thus invest a lot of time, effort, and emotion into their relationships, which then become deeply entrenched in their lives.

Because no one wants to give up without a fight something in which they have invested a significant portion of themselves, this entrenchment often makes it difficult to extract oneself when a relationship comes to an end. Individuals find themselves unwilling to let go of their partners, despite the fact that the object of their affection has decided the romantic arrangement is no longer viable. In severe cases, this clinginess can escalate to unhealthy behavior such as stalking and even situations in which one partner attempts to trap the other into staying, as with a staged pregnancy or other guilt-trip.

Secondly, dissatisfied lovers may also drag on a relationship they no longer feel to be satisfying. Partners in long relationships often become dependent on each other emotionally, rejecting the company of their friends and family to revel in the rush of chemicals brought on by new love. Without a fallback plan and possibly financially entangled, they avoid drastic action that will upset the stability and comfort of their current existence.

Sexual fidelity is a highly valued component of monogamy. This holds especially true for females. While men are often lauded for promiscuous sex outside of relationships, society perceives a woman who has slept around to have lost worth. Nonetheless, while lying about or concealing other behaviors in a relationship might warrant only a sincere talk or angry lover, both genders are harshly chastised for sexual infidelity ranging anywhere from a kiss to intercourse. Its sexual nature causes this deception to be seen as a serious-enough charge that it severely compromises the relationship, regardless of the romance’s viability in other areas. In addition, both men and women are warned against opening up their relationships regardless of whether both partners are willing, assured by others that doing so will surely lead to the loss of their lover.

Another expectation of monogamous relationships is emotional fidelity. Lovers in a monogamous relationship are expected to feel strong emotional attraction to their partner and their partner alone. Attraction to others is perceived as anything from a taboo to a thought crime. Love is seen as a finite quality, and feeling romantic attraction to people outside one’s relationship is thought to devalue the love one has for one’s primary partner.

How did this emphasis on tying oneself physically and emotionally to a single person develop? Is monogamy the natural state of humanity? According to Wikipedia’s citations on the incidence of sexual monogamy and emotional monogamy, the rate of monogamy versus polyamory (the practice of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved) and polygamy (monogamous relationships including more than two partners) varies greatly between different cultures. In addition to the US divorce rate, perhaps this indicates that monogamy is not hardwired into human brains.

Why, then, this expectation for humans to suppress their extramarital emotional and physical desires? Is, as Juliet claims, romantic love truly infinite, much like the human capacity for friendship? After all, no one bats an eye at someone who has more than one close friend. It is also unlikely that such a person will claim that having multiple people to rely on, rather than trying to satisfy every need and desire with the company of one person, causes them unhappiness and instability.

Certainly, there are many that seek and are satisfied by monogamy. But rather than enforcing this as a societal norm, embracing the existence of other outlooks on relationships may reduce the frequency of infidelity, ensuring the polyamorous are able to be honest about their desires without fear of persecution or the sting of disbelief instead of shoehorning themselves into templates which are unsuitable for them. Rather than placing enormous importance on a single relationship and remaining in unhealthy or unfulfilling partnerships to avoid the pain, drama, and inconvenience of separation and the fear of loneliness, some prefer to share love and pleasure with many others. Those who forge a healthy romantic social network aim to sidestep the trap of codependency and the guilt of resisting natural desires without the promise of any clear gain.

As the western world grows more liberal and previously unconventional relationships and lifestyles become the norm, it is pleasant to imagine a world in which lovers drift together and apart as naturally and peacefully as motes of dust in a sunbeam.

“For our part, to stay together for the longest possible time is a poor goal for marriage. Other ends—growth, fulfillment, happiness, among others—are more important and may demand shorter relationships if they are given priority.”
– Constantine & Constantine, 1973